Every night, at around 12, my baby used to wake up, crying. After I breast-fed her, she would play for a while and go back to sleep. But that night, she didn’t get up. When I realised this, around 1 in the morning, I fed her.
An hour later I discovered she was cold and not breathing. I had lost her.
Maybe I had sensed something and that’s why I got up to feed her one last time?
That was in May this year. It’s taken me a while to get over the loss. Things are only slowly getting back to normal.
I’d delivered my baby girl in January this year. She was born premature and underweight. The didi who visited me during my pregnancy (the auxiliary nurse midwife), told me that I was underweight.
She said I had anaemia because my haemoglobin level was 7 – which was very critical and it could affect my baby. It’s now 8. But I’m still underweight. I don’t know why it doesn’t increase.
I think, if the pandemic had not hit us, things would have been different. My husband would have had his job and I would’ve had better nutrition.
We may not have lost our daughter.
Earlier we had milk and meat once in a while. But now, eating two meals a day seems like a blessing. That’s all my husband can afford now.
We eat bhaat (rice) twice a day. Sometimes with vegetables. Bhaat is my soul food. I can’t go without it. That’s what I eat for lunch and dinner.
Usually, my mother-in-law cooks. I help her with the other chores. Rest of the time, I spend with my son Ashish. I will get him enrolled in anganwadi (rural childcare centre) next year. There he’ll get at least one good meal a day.
Now my boy is my only happiness. I think he’ll turn three soon. I don’t know his date of birth. My mother-in-law would know. If I had gone to school, maybe I could tell you all of our birthdays and ages. We are poor, uneducated people, how can we keep track of dates?
I really wish to have a daughter in future. Next time I would not let her leave me. I would make her study, so that she gets a better life.
Reporting by Jigyasa Mishra who writes about rural issues, primarily on women’s issues and public health, from north India.
